What do I write?

Free writing- without which I feel incomplete, might not have any value but I will still try and give it a structure. Because a structure makes me feel safe and look at that which I will be unable to look at if it is let loose and allowed to be beheld in a loose way. It seems like I am looking inside my brain and the biological details turn into labyrinths of lava. Could be just a stereotype of a scary place imagined on the lines of hellish fires.
I hate my inability, I hate this stasis and I hate to have to think. Some moments I feel like the thoughts will burst through my ears and letters will come out singing and skipping like in an animated story intended to teach children- ‘learning can be fun’.
And I feel the vomit welling up inside me, and I want to start a scentence with an and, I want to. And the computer this word doc. Reigns in the errors to a large extent, and then makes errors of its own but I want to drum out words like a sexual experience- violent and brutal. Just the drumming and the loss of cramping structures and these letters itself control and bind and cramp- just as desire itself controls and cramps and makes you want to vomit.- its sick when I think I punch in something which I might think is wise. The philosophy. My head would explode with the disgust I feel for all acts of language. There is a freedom I want from language language language language, and still need to express… I clench my fists and wonder- why cant vomit be the more accepted form of self expression.